One of the biggest hindrances for living the life we want to live is the guilt that still inhabits our psyche because of what we did in our past or what someone else did. In previous posts, I shared how I finally moved through some old guilt to a place where I've finally come to peace with it. The anger stage helped me to be more aware of my thoughts and habits as they related to it, and the forgiveness process allowed me to reach a place of peace about the past. It was time to move on to the final stage of the deception: letting go of the guilt completely. With the guilt dealt with, I realized there was more holding me back from living a great life. There was still something impacting me and I knew I wasn't fully reaching my potential, but I didn't really know what it was.
Looking for a New Job
I had been unemployed for 3 months, searching for a new position. Something that would make use of my skills, satisfy my need for more than I have had in previous jobs, and allow me a comfortable living at the same time. After interview after interview, it became evident to me that nothing was coming of this, and if something did, it would be so far away from what I wanted that the outcome didn't seem worth fighting for.
Then I went to a career fair for a major local employer, seeking to find what I wanted. And much to my surprise (and chagrin), I hit a brick wall. Not only was I told that what I was looking for, I was told I'm simply not qualified for it. I was able to parlay those few words into another job, which is good. But I felt deceived. There they were at a job fair, saying what I wanted to hear, knowing good and well that noamount of work on my part could ever get me where I was telling people I wanted to be.
Almost immediately, that word - deceive - began playing in my head. I was pretty sure it had something to do with why I was feeling as bad as I was. So I began exploring the definition and relationship to guilt. That's when I realized why I was feeling so bad and what I had been trying so desperately to accomplish to change the outcome was not working because it couldn't. Once I put all of this together, I was able to finally let go of the final thing that held me back from moving forward in my life.
What Is The Definition of "Deceit"?
Merriam-Webster defines deceive as: to cause to believe wrongly (among other definitions)
The word deceptive has a similar connotation, but goes a bit further, stating deceptive means: deceiving; causing someone to believe something false (ex. deceptive car dealer).
When I looked at this in the context of my life, I saw it everywhere. From the stress I carried because I was trying to make everything work right instead of failing again (or maybe even for the first time) to even the career advice I received above. As soon as I realized that I was looking for success from all of these different angles, I saw the truth of what was holding me back. The last remnants of that pesky little angel named doubt continued to torment me.
You see, doubt isn't necessarily a bad thing. Having been taught, however, that it was, I tried to extinguish it before it got out of hand. Problem is, once you cut it off at the pass, it tries again from another angle. And then again and again and again until it finally gets so desperate and angry that it lashes out and leaves you feeling defeated. That's certainly happened to me plenty of times over the years, and I finally grew tired of repeating the same behaviors over and over. It was time to let go and stop trying to fix it.
That's right. Let go. Let go of the feelings of being judged. Let go of the constant pursuit of having my needs met. Let go of trying to control the outcome, letting God take the reigns. I had to completely discharge everything that continued to torment me. It took a while but I finally have moved into a space of understanding where I can accept things as they are, not the way I want them to be. And with that acceptance, came freedom. Freedom and the opportunity to become the person I was meant to be from the day I was born.
No longer will I let anything define me, hold me back or keep me down. From this point forward, I choose to live a greater life. In doing so, I am choosing to live a life of peace, harmony and joy. God is great and all is well.
Next Steps
Stay tuned for what life looks like now, and what I learned.